Sometimes your subconscious knows something’s coming, but fails to estimate its magnitude. Like I knew I’d be distracted from studying Japanese once Dad and Bua arrived. I expected to spend more time socialising — partly because I’d feel responsible as the ‘host’ of the trip, partly because of FOMO, but mostly because I’d just want to. But still, I thought my motivation (and fear) around the exam would hold up, and that I’d find ways to sneak study time in. What I didn’t expect was for the exam to suddenly drop from 1st place to 10th on my mental list of priorities.
I told you I’d been practicing a bit with Onkar yesterday, and it was quite productive. I didn’t expect that today, I would convince myself it barely even mattered.
We got a late start — no surprise, considering how late Bua and Dad arrived yesterday. We took them to a nice breakfast spot that had decent vegetarian options (a rare find), and by the time we packed them off to Harajuku, half the day was gone.
We’d planned for them to spend the days leading up to the exam exploring the things Mom and I had already done, so that we could spend time studying and not have to repeat experiences to give them company.
Dad’s side of the family tends to have the exact opposite preference compared to Mama’s militant tourist schedule, and he and Bua took their sweet time wandering in Ikebukuro — the area we live in — with us before finally setting off. It took mom and I some time to find a decent study spot and of course, we ended up at McDonald’s.
By the time I finished up some admin work and got ready to study Japanese though, I was in the mood for a break. Said break turned into a full hour of wandering, then going home (mistake), which turned into crawling into bed and then — obviously — barely studying at all.
You may think I studied once I woke up from the nap, but then Dad and Bua returned, and the night transitioned smoothly into family time. I gave up, suggested we go on a midnight-ish Donki run to relive the 2017 experience. (I was also still on the quest to find the Donki steamed chocolate cake that mom and I had had on our walk back home the cold night we’d become stranded outside the McDonald’s that closed early, for Bua and Dad to try. We found the right rack and label this time, but once again it was sold out. The staff said “tomorrow”, so we live in hope.)
Normally, after a day like this — a day where the setup was perfect for studying, where Mom did actually study, and I just didn’t — I’d be ridden with guilt. But today, there was none. Whenever I thought of the exam and that I should probably study, my brain would brush it off with the justification of how slim my actual chances of passing are and that this last minute studying won’t make much of a difference — something I was, until very recently, very adamant not to let happen.
I was aware of the reality that I’d probably fail from the start (since I started studying seriously, at least), but I told myself I wouldn’t let hopelessness stop me from trying. Learning Japanese — even if it wasn’t enough for the exam — would benefit me in the long term. But here, my distracted brain was unbothered. It was like that wiser, out-of-body version of me — the bird’s eye director-of-life one — was looking down on my real self and tutting.
But an even wiser version now reminds me that Onkar has been trying to get us to take a family trip for years. And now we’re all here — even Bua. In Japan, no less. Not a classroom. Not a library. Japan. How many more times in my life is that going to be true? Not as many as I’d like. It’s rare, and temporary, and something I’ll definitely look back on as a core memory. So why should I let the fact that I’ve been here for a month already make that any less special?
Yes, the exam is important, but so is this. Onkar told me again today — as he has before — to stop pen-and-paper studying and just live the language. Read signs. Listen in on conversations. Practice with people. Yesterday, I did that with him, and it was the most productive ‘studying’ I’ve done in a while. I want more of that.
So I’ve kept tomorrow’s schedule open — flexible for anything Onkar might plan (he’s been too busy to communicate much in advance) — and I know myself well enough to know that the looming anxiety of the exam will probably kick me back into gear anyway, as come tomorrow it’s one day closer to doomsday.
I don’t want to abandon what I’ve already learned, but to find a better balance — not be so uptight about missing out on study time, if it means I gain something else of value. Because opportunity cost works both ways, and today I wasn’t really having fun or studying. I was just stuck. Waiting to do one, but not doing the other either.
So here’s to not letting that happen again. Here's to distraction, yes — but purposeful distraction. Ones I choose. Ones that fill me up. Not ones that just eat the day away.